Have you ever found yourself in a dating situation where everything in you wants connection, but instead of moving closer, you shut down? You go quiet, your body tenses, and suddenly you don’t know what to say or do. If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing the intersection of the abandonment wound and the freeze response.
What Is the Abandonment Wound?
The abandonment wound usually begins in childhood, when your emotional or physical needs weren’t consistently met. As an adult, this wound can show up as a deep fear that people you care about will leave you. In dating, you might feel anxious when you don’t get a text back right away, or you may avoid getting close to people altogether to protect yourself from being left behind.
What Is the Freeze Response?
When faced with threat or overwhelm, your nervous system has a built-in survival reaction: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. The freeze response is when your system goes into shutdown. Instead of moving toward or away from danger, you “pause” — you feel stuck, numb, or disconnected.
In relationships, freeze often looks like suddenly going blank during conflict, feeling paralyzed when you want to express your needs, or withdrawing into silence even though a part of you longs to reach out.
How These Two Connect in Dating
When you carry an abandonment wound into your dating life, your body is already wired to be on alert for rejection or loss. Combine that with a freeze response, and you end up in a painful cycle:
You want closeness, but when it feels too risky, your body freezes.
You may appear distant or uninterested, even though deep down you crave intimacy.
You might leave dates feeling frustrated with yourself for not speaking up or showing your true feelings.
Partners may misinterpret your silence as rejection, which only reinforces your fear of being abandoned.
It’s not that you don’t want love — it’s that your nervous system is protecting you in the only way it knows how.
Moving Forward with Awareness
Understanding that your reactions are rooted in survival, not weakness, is the first step. You’re not “broken” or “bad at dating.” You’re navigating patterns that once kept you safe. With gentle awareness, self-compassion, and the right support, you can begin to unfreeze, express your needs, and create the kind of secure connection you long for.
If this resonates with you and you’re ready to learn more about yourself — reach out to book your first session.
Sandra Ragheb
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